29 August 2012

The World Will Move On, Even If You Don't

Hours before Tito Roy died, I was talking to him in the ICU. I knew he was about to die. One of the nurses approached us and right there in front of me, his blood pressure was taken. How can I stop my tears from falling down when I've seen it for myself - the 60/20 BP. It was like the resounding question in my head was answered. "Is Tito really dead?". Here, his BP reads 60/20. I went out of the room thinking how will life move on? How can we all move on without him? Is it even possible to move on at all? Then coming out of a different room was a group of nurses. They were holding their lunchboxes and they were giggling. I found out, the rest of the world has moved on already. Perhaps the world didn't even stop just to mourn with me. 

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Top: Zara| Sunnies: Prada (I borrowed from my Tita)| Skirt: Zara

Tito Roy got what he wished for - he was cremated. 5 days after his death, his cremation took place. All the while, I was observing Nanay. She broke down but she also managed to compose herself. It's truly never fair for parents to outlive their children. Never. Going back to the question, how does life go on from here? I think, I've somehow answered this already. The day after Tito Roy's cremation, my family went to Quezon province to commemorate my maternal grandfather's first death anniversary and to celebrate my great grandmom's 85th birthday. I guess life really has to go on. But as much as I can, I will always look for something that will remind me of Tito Roy. I will forever hold him dear to my heart.

Life Will Never Be The Same Again

A few months ago, two of my friends lost someone in their respective families. I knew it was devastating. I knew it hurt them. But I didn't know up to what extent. No amount of saying "My condolences" or "I am sorry for your loss" and no matter how much you sympathize with your friends'  loss can you ever truly feel their pain, unless you experience it for yourself. 

When I was only 8 months old, I had my very first case of dengue. Back then, my parents couldn't afford to have me checked by my pediatrician because frankly put, we didn't have enough money dedicated for purposes other than education and the basic necessities. I would've died then but my Tito Roy took off from his meeting and followed us in the hospital. He paid the remaining balance. After a few days, I was out of danger. This story made a huge impact on me because of two reasons. First is because it became a wake up call for everyone in the family. Since then, my dad worked twice thrice as much as he did. He leaped from one project to another just to ensure that never again shall any of his children be put in a near-death experience the way I did. Second is that, it was the first lifesaving I ever needed. And it was Tito Roy who helped me get through it. I've read in a few books that there are no accidental deaths. Death envelopes a person because at a particular time, someone has to die. If you're still alive, that's because another person has taken the death seat for you.

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2012

Tito Roy never had a family of his own but when the family is as close-knit as ours, who needs a wife when he has his mom, his sister, and his sisters-in-law to share his success and sorrows with? Who needs kids when he has his employees-turned-housemates whom he has supported since time immemorial? Who needs commitment to someone when he has a company with which his time, money, and efforts are committed to? He didn't have a family of his own, but he had found families in ours, in his older brother's family, in his sister's family, in his company, and in his multitude of friends. He had touched and changed a lot of lives. He had made huge sacrifices just for others not to feel they're alone. His friends came from all walks of life and if you'll ask them why they stuck with him throughout these years, they'll tell you that it's because he never judged a person based on his past nor did he ever thought of himself superior than them. He lived by the motto that everyone, absolutely everyone, deserves a chance. That's the thing about self-made men, they know where to really look at because they're aware that greatness comes from all walks of life.

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2006

His employees said that he's a strict boss, that he was hot-tempered, that he demanded perfection at all times. Ask any of his 8 nephews and nieces, including me, and we'll tell you that he's actually the opposite. He was sweet, he was understanding, and he never said No to any of us. My younger brother graduated from HS last March. He wanted to celebrate it with our first cousin Mark. When it's about the boys, no one really gets bothered when they want to drink their kidneys out. Not even our moms. Tito Roy with his reliable driver cum personal masseur cum personal assistant cum stress absorber brought Gio and MC to Ilocos, to Vigan, to Baguio, to Ilocos. Absolutely anywhere in the North! After their escapades, the boys said it was the best two weeks of their teenage lives. Every Christmas, we'd all get together sometimes here in Manila, sometimes somewhere in North. It was always fun because Tito Roy and his siblings were a riot. They made fun of everything and they saw to it that everyone's included, from our Nanay down to us down to our 'angels'. Each year had always been very memorable in the Peralta family. What made them memorable was the thought of giving our uninhibited selves the chance to escape. 

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2009

He knew what his nephews and nieces want - a room to be fickle-minded. He allowed us to do whatever we wanted in hopes that we'll learn from them. He knew what I needed the most - the means to get the things that I want, not the things themselves. He knew that even if I'm just an arm-reach away from what I've set my eyes on, there's still the possibility that I'd change my mind about it. I've never needed an instant prince. What I need are the gown, the glass slippers, and the opportunity to either want or not to get the prince.

Then came Wednesday (15 Aug). Coming from my 8-9:30 am class, I went straight to his house cause I wanted to check on him. His fever had been on and off for 5 months already. I marched to his room, ready to show him my frustration in his condition, only to find him shivering and his teeth chattering, even if his aircon wasn't turned on. Over the years, we've had a lot of family vacations because for every event someone is celebrating, there will always be an outing. The rooms he occupied have always felt the insides of the fridge. He was so much like my Kuya Gian, they seem to have been polar bears in their past lives. Seeing him shivering in his room made me wonder, how can a polar bear find a desert so cold?

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2011

Thursday, 16 August. He went to see his doctor because as how he put it, he needed a dextrose. He said it was nothing serious. He just wanted to find a cure to his incurable fever.

Friday, 17 August. All of a sudden, he had a cardiac arrest. He was sent directly to the ICU. His BP rate went down to a 0. So did his heart rate. It's funny when you see movies or a soap where an actor is being revived to life again. But it's not anymore funny when you see it for yourself. Even worse, when you see it being done to someone whom you're very attached to. After a while, he made it back to life. His doctors told Nanay and my mom to be on call, that at anytime of the day, they might be summoned to the ICU. None of Tito Roy's three siblings were in Manila during these times so it was my mom who took over.

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2007

Saturday, 17 August. The phone at home rang. It was from the hospital. They said Tito Roy was conscious already and that he had something to tell my mom. Mom and Kuya Gian went to him. Everyone was thinking that he's out of the danger because the thing that he wanted to say was, "Transfer me to a different room. The aircon here isn't cold enough". That's my Tito, always a whiner. The doctors said that it was the most crucial 24 hours. Those hours will determine whether he'll make it or not.

Sunday, 18 August. The phone at home rang. My mom was being summoned once again. Tito Roy had another heart attack. 2 minutes. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. It took the doctors 10 full minutes to bring him back to life. The doctors said that in those 10 minutes where he was dead, some parts of his brain had already died. That even if he recovers, he wouldn't be able to retrieve the part where his memory lies. It was also the part of the brain that makes Tito Roy Tito Roy. In other words, the only remaining part was that which commands the body to breathe even when we're sleeping. In short, he's pronounced brain dead.

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2012


Sunday, 19 August. The phone at home rang. Tito Roy had the third cardiac arrest. If you're just someone who's observing, you'd say, let him rest already. That's enough. His ribs, no doubt, are nothing more than broken and shattered bones due to the CPR. But if you're someone who badly believes he'll make it, you'd say, go ahead. Revive him once more. From 10 minutes, it became 20 minutes this time. It was painful to look at, yes. But it was the only chance he'd survive. Came night time. The phone at home rang. The doctors informed us that Tito Roy had slipped into coma. There's a certain level of consciousness we are all under. 15 is the highest and 1, the worst. Tito Roy was in stage 3 meaning, he can already be assumed as dead.

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2000

Monday, 20 August. With Kuya, Mom, Nanay, and Tito Rolly, we went to check him out in the ICU. In every hospital, they have a protocol that 30 minutes is the longest time possible to perform CPR on a patient. If the patient doesn't make it, they can't do anything about it anymore. The way I see it, it means after 30 minutes, you have nothing else to do but watch as life is slowly taken away from him. The doctors have asked Nanay to sign the waiver which says that at the next attack, they won't revive Tito Roy anymore. "Does that mean that I'm permitting them to let my son die?", Nanay asked. In the English language there are orphans and widows, but there is no word for the parent who loses a child (My Sister's Keeper). We went home for a while, just to eat dinner. In that short span of time, my cousins from Canada called the ICU in the hospital and requested that the phone be placed on Tito Roy's ear. Among the organs, it is the ear that die the last. The patient might be unconscious but he can hear what you're telling him. Hospitals also have a rule that mobile phones cannot be used in the ICU for they interfere with the machines and other equipment. The nurses allowed my relatives to say some words to Tito, which was against the rule. But do rules still apply in times such as this? Just as we were eating at home, the phone rang. Tito Roy was declared dead. I never thought that a call could be traumatizing. But I found out, it could be the scariest warning. 

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2011

Ask any of his nephews and nieces, we'll all tell you that Tito Roy was our second dad. Ask my Kuya Gian. There was a time when we thought Tito Roy was our dad. It's not easy to accept the death of someone whom you cared for so deeply and cared for you just as much. It's not easy to live life pretending that there's nothing wrong when in fact, there is already a hole which no one else could ever fill in. It will never be a Peralta outing like before. 

Some people are born to be leaders, I guess. It's in their personality to command and to direct others. Tito Roy was one of those men. In his 20s, he already had a company of his own which until now, is thriving. Why else would he be called by everyone else as Boss Roy? It's just so unfortunate that he died when he hasn't produced or molded an heir to his throne yet. He could've waited a little more. That's one of the things he was best at, "making anyone become someone". He had left a lot of legacies. Living legacies at that. But no matter how strong willed a person is, he will never be stronger than death. You can fight all you want, but it will always be a losing battle. 

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2008

After a few thinking and a lot of kind words from our relatives, I've accepted his fate. He may have survived this but there's no guarantee that he'll survive the coming ordeal - his fight against cancer. A month ago, he was hospitalized for a week. And in that week, the doctors did all the tests a person could humanly possible undertake. There were cysts the size of a fist found in his pancreas, in his kidney, and smaller ones just floating in his stomach. I guess he's both prepared and unprepared to die. Prepared because he was able to leave Nanay a handsome amount of money, all thanks to his insurance. Unprepared because he hasn't even witnessed any of us graduate from college yet. 

I would forever remember the many times he sat me, Alissa and Kuya down just to talk about life in general with us. I would forever remember the times he picked me up from my university just to bring me somewhere he thinks I'd like to go to. I would forever remember him. He may have left all of us here but his legacies and teachings would forever be remembered. I love you, Dadoods! 

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Engr. Roy B. Peralta
29 January 1967 - 20 August 2012

19 August 2012

I am Tinman

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Everything around me seems to be contradicting each other. Just like the sun. It seems to be playing a "Now you see me, Now you don't" trick on us, so relying on it in deciding what to wear is like taking the first step of outfit failure. So I just decided to trust whatever color would pop into my mind and work with it, not considering if it'll be weather appropriate or not. Everyone in the household went to the mall over the weekend to catch the movie Brave and while I was waiting for them to settle down, I gallivanted on my own, trusting the pocketmoney my mom gave me. Hah! This girl knows how to survive on her own, for your information you doubters. Of course, only if the mom supplies her with tools for survival.
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There's a difference between being downright heartless and not having the capacity to feel anything at all. Just like Tinman.
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 Black Raincoat: from Migliore Mall, Korea| Red knitted top: from my favorite overrun store in Paseo de Sta. Rosa| Sunnies: Aldo| watch: gift from my best friend
 I am so fascinated with the story of Tinman from the story of The Wizard of Oz. I guess his character is the amalgam of all the feelings of pain, betrayal, hurt, loss, apostasy, and suffering. There came a point when it was either continuous suffering or death. But then along the way, he found out that there's another option: numbness. Not everyone has the ability to shy away from whatever is agonizing them so when you've developed such ability, treasure it. Hone it. Exercise it. Life throws us in different situations. It depends solely on each of us how we'll react on these things. I choose to be like the Tinman. I am Tinman.

18 August 2012

August Inspirations

1. Florence Welch - She's like the darker version of fairies. I love her!
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 "Appearing in ethereal swaths of Gucci silk and Valentino lace because “they feel like they’re doing a performance of their own,” she enthralls devotees with her theatrical wardrobe as well as her soulful voice. The Pre-Raphaelite beauty credits “growing up around art history” (her mother is a Renaissance-studies professor) for her sense of artful drama, while Welch’s blend of British eccentricity—a mash-up of every era from the eighteenth century through the 1970s—flaunts a romantic unconventionality. “I like to imagine I’ll wear the things I’m buying now when I’m old and mad!” she says."

2. Ricardo Tisci and Rooney Mara
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"She was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, who has since turned heads on the red carpet. He is The Boy with the Heart of Romantic Darkness, who has dramatically transformed Givenchy. One may act, the other design, but each never fails to remind us of why less obvious forms of beauty, not to mention the gritty and heady thrill of urban life, matter so very much."

 3. The Social Slashers - Or for me, the living goddesses
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"These ladies—left to right, Vanessa Traina, Jenna Courtin-Clarins, Prisca Courtin-Clarins, Virginie Courtin-Clarins, Claire Courtin-Clarins, Lauren Santo Domingo, Shala Monroque, Alexia Niedzielski, Lily Kwong, and Elizabeth von Guttman—may look good sitting next to the runway, but they’re not just sitting pretty. Enter the new breed of social slasher: Editors, entrepreneurs, artists, eco-warriors, models, advocates for social change, these women do it all and do it with style, inspiring the designers with their original approach to fashion, from the immaculate to the irreverent."

 4. Jacquetta Wheeler - Her wedding pictures are so inspiring to look at. It has this elegant vintage feel and the drama I've always wanted for my own wedding.
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"The bride, in Temperley London, at Chilham Castle, her family’s home in Kent, England."

 5. The gowns made for the Wheeler-Allsopp nuptial
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"The lace on the veil incorporated themes from the gardens and plasterwork of the castle, as well as the groom’s monogram." 

 6. Keith Richards' Family - Seeing all of them made me wish that my cousins all over the world will be home this Christmas. Whenever we're together in my grandmom's house, the neighbors report us to the guards saying that we're disturbing them. It's really a riot when they're around.
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 "The Richards clan at home on Parrot Cay."

 7. Keith Richards' Family
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"“You come back feeling like you’ve actually had a vacation—rather than feeling like you need a vacation,” says Lucie. Ella, with family, wears a Diane von Furstenberg bikini top and Louis Vuitton sunglasses."

8. Keith Richards' Family
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9. Angelina Jolie as featured in Vogue January 2007 - my older brother's license in flying has been released already and I can't wait to ride in his first ever flight! 
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10. The Olsen Twins - Lately, my outfit choices are greatly influenced by theirs. These duo makes me wish that I have a twin too. Imagine all the crazy stuff we can do.
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All pictures are from vogue.com

15 August 2012

Jampacked

I didn't plan any activities for last saturday but I ended up doing a lot! Eversince I graduated from High School, I never got the chance to go to Gateway again and in the process forgetting that it houses one of the best movie houses in the Metro. The very first cinemas to have LA-Z boy seats, refreshments, first class lounge, and valet service, anyone? I greatly wanted to watch Bourne Legacy because it shot its intense action scene and the ending in my very own country. I wanted to see the Philippines from the point of view of Hollywood. When I had the chance to watch it in Gateway Platinum, why wouldn't I grab it right?

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Jacket: Topshop| Tank top: Petit Monde| Trousers: Topshop| Neon yellow and purple bangles: Mango| Bag: Kenneth Cole Reaction| Heels: Mango

After a hot chocolate from Coffee Bean and a green tea frappe from Starbucks, we then proceeded to Araneta Center for the Tears for Fears concert. The band's songs may not be my thing but seeing them perform made a believer out of me. 80s songs rock!

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By then, my heels got to go cause my feet are starting to hurt so much.
Flats: Topshop
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Flower Child

My brothers were craving for some sushis and tempura so it was another Yakimix night. Oh I love Japanese food! I won't ever feel guilty about devouring platters and platters of it, even if it exceeds the usual amount I allow myself. Right after dinner, we all headed to Star City because for the nth time, my Kuya couldn't resist not bringing my 3-year old cousin somewhere her eyes would brighten up some more. I wanted to say I wore floral because of some inspiration but since I wanted to keep things as real as they can be here, I'd confess that I wore floral combination because I didn't have anything else to wear. The key of my closet was missing so I had to make do with whatever was available in the hamper. The combination didn't come out so bad, or did it? :)

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 Top: from my mom's closet| Shorts: Divisoria| Shoes: Topshop| Headband: Forever21Photobucket
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10 August 2012

Little Darling, the Smiles Returning to the Faces

King sun has finally decided that it's time to come out from hibernation! Thanks for drying up the flood in some of the areas in my country, you great ball of fire you. Although not everything has been restored to how they're used to be or even just recovered a little, at least it's better than the bad situation we're all in for almost two weeks. How about some Beatles song for extra good vibes? Cue Here Comes The Sun (doo doo doo doo)

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Jacket and necklace: Platinum Mall, Bangkok| Gray dress: Migliore Mall, Korea| Shoes: Converse

Show me some love at my twitter account
@gellieperalta
Here's to more online friends! :)

08 August 2012

Where Comfort Outweighs All Else

There are still unresolved issues swirling in my head. On top of which is the idea of entering DLSU's exchange student program. I've always expressed my dream of studying abroad, either to take my master's or to get a second course. I've never tired of learning, in fact I'm in constant search of new things that can shake my brain. But if ever I would undergo another stage of a student's life, I like to experience it where I can be on my own for the first time. I've lived a very sheltered-life, one which my friends can attest to. I'm a homebody, I rarely go to places without my family. Some said when it comes to the "real world", I am totally inept with what it takes to survive. But I retort, what does it really take to survive? If the basis is the knowledge of domesticated activities, then perhaps I am lacking of the tools. But I think those are very basic and innate in every woman. Leave me a broom and I'm sure that even though I'm not a genius in any way, I'll be able to use it properly. Ergo there's more to life than knowing physical job. The missing link is education. I don't mean to discriminate in any way but I believe that an educated person can be easily identified from someone whose knowledge was gotten from the streets. There's a huge difference between what a quality education teaches and a so-so, if not none at all, education.

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Green Top: Christopher&Banks| Shredded Pants: from my favorite overrun store in Paseo de Sta. Rosa| Shoes: Janylin| Necklace: Divisoria

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I made Rayne rain-ready
I wore this very comfortable combination of sweater and pants because I spent an entire rainy afternoon with my cousin. It's her first periodical exam in her Pre-school center and I didn't want her to take the exams without ensuring that she's prepared. Tutor lang ang peg. Kids would always be kids. Usually the best way to teach them is by bribing them in the form of reward gifts. Correct answers would result to things that she likes to get. Good thing Rayne is as particular with what she wears as I am. It was easy bribing her. Haha!

In line with this let's it's-raining-hard-so-I'll-wear-this post, let me also take this time to ask everyone who'll come across this to please pray for the Philippines. We've been experiencing heavy downpour that there is flooding almost everywhere. A lot of both public and private properties have been destroyed already. Some has lost their houses, others their lives. Please spare a single minute of your time to utter prayers for everyone whose lives have been greatly affected by the excessive rainfall.
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images from Google
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