Chasing the Illusory Grandeur of Yesteryears

 Everyone seems to be looking at 2026 through millennial nostalgia-riddled glasses, as evidenced by how everyone is comparing it to the iconic, one-for-the-books, legendary year that was 2016. I am wishing, desperately at that, for this year to be as good to me in the same way 2016 had been easily among my most memorable and accomplished years. We shall see. I'm currently working on making it a fruitful one. Fingers crossed!

Dress: Zara | Mules: Amina Muaddi Lupita | Bandeau: Bench | Bracelet stack: Cartier love, Cartier juste un clou, Van Cleef & Arpels perlee clover, Tiffany & Co. knot | Ruby earrings and ring set from a jeweler 

It only seems right that I update this blog with recent photos, something I rarely do but must do now because I need all types of alarm bells that I can think of to force my mind into focus. I have a goal this year, an extension of the previous year's goal, and just as I have done with the one before, I want to nail this one too. This was not a product of my usual bursts of sudden enthusiasm. This time, I'm trying to fulfill a goal that was set in motion when the pandemic forced me into a quarter-life crisis. I've no complaints whatsoever though. The self-reflection was long overdue, and without the distractions of everyday mundanity, it was bound to happen. Fast forward to now, where my two-fold plan has come to its 2nd leg. Come on, universe, work in my favor again. I need this win. 

This year's birthday dinner was celebrated with my family (minus my younger brother who didn't return home from abroad. Boo, what a killjoy). Since this past year, I have been wishing that my beloved Nanay were still around to witness my recent 'milestone', so to speak. I bet she would've cheered the loudest. Thanks to my Tita, who lent me Nanay's ruby ring which became the focus of what I wore for the night, I had something of her to celebrate with (Side note: my celebratory cake was sent by my grade school best friends Frances and Emma who colluded with my Mom to surprise me. Those sweethearts!!)

So, what was it about my 2016 that I wanted to relive, if not to top it even more? See, 10 years ago, I had just been a few months into my 1st job when I bravely took on an additional challenge. I had so many things to prove then because I was, for a lack of a better term, a lucky hire. I applied for a position in an organization that was in no way near either the pay grade or the skills expected of a recent college graduate. I went into that office with no substantial experience, carrying a bucketful of confidence and the usual sprinkle of fake-it-til-you-make-it dust. Suffice to say, I passed that series of interviews and at the end of it, voila, I got the position. At that time, I was the youngest in the office by at least 5 years compared to the next. I celebrated that win for maybe two months, all while overcompensating for it by making sure that I learned as much as humanly possible in the shortest amount of time. My methodology was simple. I was the first person to come into my department and also the last one to leave, while also proving that I may be the youngest but in no way did that deter me from coming into work wearing a different pair of heels every single day. I was a post-college Aldo/Zara/Naturalizer girl then who used to obsess over quantity of shoes over quality. I will never forget the words from my seniors in the department: "don't be a hero," when they realized that I had been staying past office hours just to finish some files, or from the Manager, an equally shoes-obsessed woman, who commented that my pairs of heels were not as nice as hers (to which I cheekily responded, "I don't think so", which she eventually agreed to when we both attended a work-related party wearing the same pair of Louboutins). That first year of work was by far the most challenging period of my professional life. I never once thought of myself as stupid until then. Haha. 

            The challenge didn't end there, though. On the sideline, I let my friend talk me into opening our very own clothing brand, the now-defunct Arkipelago. She's obviously the brains behind our partnership. She introduced the idea to me and convinced me why our partnership would make sense. I was drowning in workload from the day job but I didn't want to disappoint her nor accept that I couldn't multitask. So for a good 2-3 months, we produced our own line of an 8-piece collection. I was responsible for the production side, given that I found the seamstress and eventually became her contact person, while my friend focused on sales and marketing. Well, she helped me with my role too because she was the one who drove us most of the time to Taytay where we sourced out our fabrics and other materials, and where our seamstress was based. In less than 2 weeks after our launch, we had already reached ROI. We didn't talk about how we'd like to market our clothes, but I guess our personal "hobby" at that time played a major role in it. We cemented our impending partnership by going on a quick trip abroad, and it was also around that time that I think I was indulging in as many trips abroad as I could with friends, on top of the family trips that we usually had, while her schedule involved being abroad for weeks at a time every other month, if not almost on a monthly basis. Thankfully, 2016 was also the time when the millennial travel culture was rapidly increasing and our market associated our clothes with vacations. We were lucky in the sense that, at that time, the Filipino influencers whom we approached accepted the clothes we sent them with no monetary compensation involved. They also validated our unintentional marketing campaign by wearing our clothes in their trips abroad too. Alas, all good things eventually came to an end when our schedules couldn't fully accommodate our increasingly demanding side-hustle. It even came to a point where I couldn't send out orders on time because the delivery rider was delayed. By the time he could collect the orders, I was already on a family trip abroad, while my friend also went on a separate sudden trip. Still, I consider Arkipelago among my fondest memories from 2016. 

 

Top, pants, jacket, earrings: Zara | White boots: from a local shop in Lille, France | Watch: Rolex 

I celebrated my birthday last year on a last-minute decision. Case in point: except for my watch and the earrings, everything else I was wearing was bought just a few days prior. I thought that I would be in Manila, celebrating with my family as I had done for the past 3 decades of my life, but no. I was instructed by my parents to stay in Europe to fully experience the once-in-a-lifetime "I'm all alone" Christmas fun. And yeah yeah, it's typical 'woe is me'. I had to spend the holiday season with my friend and her family in Finland, among other countries, because again, woe is me. My parents thought that since I was on an independent run, I might as well have full experience of it. 

After spending the holidays with my newfound friend and her family, I returned back to Lille, France in the middle of a snow storm, exactly a day before my birthday. I initially planned on getting a head start on my thesis but then the universe decided to work in my favor. What's a girl got to do except call her parents, convince them that she needs to be in Paris immediately, otherwise she won't be able to attend a crucial class, despite having just returned from a 3-week trip exploring the Nordics, and the fact that her birthday falls exactly on the date that she had to be in Paris? My parents didn't believe me when I first told them, especially since I was probably giggling in between presenting my request. I mean, it's just so funny, really. The universe has sometimes worked in my favor, yes, but never as blatantly as it did then. I guess the universe has concluded that I should never spend my birthday alone and quietly. Win!

So, since I was technically in Paris for a school-related class, I was allowed to stay in the heart of it where I got to enjoy daily breakfast buffet at the hotel, joined by my classmates who flew into the city fresh from their Christmas vacations, on the same day that I did, all for the purpose of celebrating my birth. I have to emphasize one thing though: the breakfast buffet at the hotel was really really good and filling. I was so happy, it's a far cry from my typical breakfast of the past year, and take it from someone who's been a breakfast person all her life, it's a big deal. My friend Jade who shared the room with me, and her notes for the upcoming class, was a great organizer. How lucky I had been, to have found friends who not only tolerated my presence, but even thought I should be celebrated. Aahh, universe, you seriously have been on a roll! My friends Nicole, Pielly, and Jade joined me as I celebrated that night. I chose the restaurant which was just a 5-minute walk away from the Eiffel Tower. 

Have I mentioned that I lived abroad for a year? Uh huh. I did. But let's save the story, aka my existential crisis coupled with a bunch of rationalizations, for a different post because ding-ding, it is coming next. I have to talk about it, and post it here, if only to immortalize my attempt at independence for a year.  Again, let's save the realizations for later, and let's feast on my usual 'woe is me, help me I'm aimlessly wandering' ramble. 

I might be obsessing over chasing another 'illusory grandeur', but such is life, is it not? Let's see how far we can go before we accept that my entire belief system has been rooted in nothing but just that, a grandeur built on illusions. I can't wait to be in the same boat I was in 10 years ago, proving that I can rise to a challenge that's beyond an arbitrary line I have set for myself. Perhaps the only thing that I would change from my 2016 self would be the travels. I can no longer justify weekend trips abroad with a simple 'you only live once' mantra. Now, more than ever, I feel that my next course of action will have to be intentional if I truly want to succeed. 

Come on, universe. Give me another shot.

But I Must Live Fully

5 years ago (can't believe that 2019 is truly 5yrs ago), one of my best friends in this entire world and I were traipsing around Salzburg, Austria to chase after the places that at one point became the setting in the life of Mozart, to wait for a half hour just to be seated in an 1880-built restaurant where we  tried their famous schnitzel and beer soup, to do our own rendition of the Do-Re-Mi song at Mirabell Palace and Gardens, and just to immerse ourselves in a city that is full of historical and musical importance. Of course the best Mozart-related activity that we had, more than visiting the Mozart Residence, was eating the Mozartkugeln chocolates. Those were truly divine, and inspiring. 

Fur top: Zara | Pants and inner long-sleeves: Uniqlo | Beanie: Tommy Hilfiger | Boots: from USA | Bag: Pacsafe

Ever the reliable friend, we had matching bags in this trip thanks to Tatiana. It is probably unwise to leave 2 super-trusting, super-adventurous girls without any protection, so to speak, that her Dad made a very smart move of buying us "thief-proof" bags before we went on our trip. There is always the possibility of being taken advantage of anywhere in the world, yes, but Europe was so far away from Manila that her Dad's first thought after learning of our trip was not to wish us enjoyment but to esnure that we'll have at least something to secure our belongings; not that our common sense was lacking in any way. It's just that, it would prove to be very difficult if we suddenly found ourselves without our wallets and cards. I'm happy to report that all the cities we visited proved to have the friendliest and safest locals to tourists like us so no, we didn't lose any money nor important stuff that we weren't readily willing to part with, save for a few taxi fares that we had to take because of having no other options.

Perhaps I have been a little sentimental and recollective of my Feb 2019 Eurotrip because I have just completed a form regarding my accommodation for the foreseeable future, in Europe. Yes, I am going back to Europe before the year ends. No, it doesn't excite me as much as planning a 2-3wk family trip but it excites me in a more be-brave-Gellie way. More than my conviction of going to a new city/country every year, my goal this year is to try something that I have never done before. And this, my friends, is where the double feeling of fear and excitement enter. 

Though I am unfortunately among those who do not have hard-driven goals, one thing that I am certain of is that, I will live a life that would hopefully have no regrets. I'm going to go on as many adventures as I can, take as many leaps albeit calculated as I can, and enjoy all of it. I am going to be scared, sure, but I will try to gain independence out of it all. Ahh 2024, I am so excited for everything that you have in store for me. 

Easy Come, Hard Go Then Life Goes On

 2023 is finally the year where I can at least say that my life is back on track, after the uncertainty brought by the pandemic. And what a year it had been! It started off hectic, what with January being my birth month and all (which meant birthday parties on all 4 weekends), maintained its rhythm as the year progressed, and rounded up SOOO hectic again. But I loved it ; I loved it all! This is how my years are supposed to be spent: tiring and downright challenging, but with so much payoff. 

If I were to talk of any personal growth, I suppose I have grown so much this year given that I was taught by the best kind of teacher for someone like me. You know, the no-choice-but-to-deal-with-it kind. See, I have always been good at deflecting, which is a defense mechanism, or so I've been told. But this year, this option was not available because I couldn't influence the involved variables any longer. It turned out for the better, right now at least. We'll see later on. Let the future me handle it when the situation changes again. Hmm. I digress. My 2023 had been pretty eventful. I've reconnected with my grade school best friends in a far off place (the other part of the world, literally) and it comforts me to know that our dynamic has not changed despite subsisting only on the perfunctory exchange of birthday greetings this past decade ; some of my favorite persons have visited me in Manila including my favorite Ambassador whom I've last seen in 2017 and one of my college favorites, my Budabestie ; my closest friends from work have left, but completely understandable given that I was involved in their planning before they left ; my regular meet-ups with my college and High School best friends ; and all other social gatherings I attended this year. And they're quite a lot since I made it a point to limit my Sorry-can't-attend declines. All in all, I've been pretty out and about this year. 

                                              Sakura in full bloom in Tokyo                                  Red maple leaves in Vancouver

Top: Uniqlo | Pants: Zara | Bag: Issey Miyake Bao Bao | Earrings: from a jewelry store in Makati Shangri-La | Bangle: Givenchy                             Jacket: Gap | Inner top: Zara | Pants: Topshop | Bag: Prada | Shoes: Air Jordan 1 

I've been on 7 trips abroad this year, 10 roundtrip flights including local in-country trips (for a total count of 63 days. I'm not sure how I was able to get away with it at work too hmm) but let me share a few photos from the 3 ones that involved the most planning: the 2wk trip in Japan (Tokyo and Fujiyoshida) last March, 2.5wks in Australia in June/July (Brisbane, Gold Coast, and Sydney), and the almost 4wks in Canada (Calgary, Banff/Lake Louise, Vancouver, and Canmore) in November.  

I flew to Japan to attend my friend's graduation from her PhD degree in Economics. And what a feat! She's earned it before turning 30. Her parents, probably too tired from all of her graduation ceremonies, couldn't make it but as someone who gives importance to every milestones thus they all must be properly celebrated, I couldn't let her graduate without having anyone whose reason for being there was solely her.  

Top: Zara | Pants: Uniqlo Disney collection | Hat: from DisneySea | Bag: Kai x Gucci collection

Plus, I really really really miss the Disney theme park so the Japan trip was perfect to accommodate it wahahaha

Mid-size and long-size pink puffer jackets, gloves: Columbia | Snow boots: Michael Kors and Aldo | Snow pants: Decathlon | Leather pants: Zara 

Winter in Canada is different from the winter in other countries plus I knew that we're going to spend at least a week exploring the Canadian Rockies so I brought along several coats in varying sizes. I haven't experienced winter in so long so I'm not sure if I can still handle the temperature as easily I've always had in the past. Besides I'm no longer the pretend Elsa who can say "the cold never bothered me anyway" because it now does. It's never happened before but it happened 2x this year that I packed mid-length dresses to be paired with long trench coats, only for me to give up mid-day and buy stockings on the spot. It's so weird. I'm really bothered by the cold now. We were supposed to celebrate Christmas 2020 in Canada, as I've mentioned in previous posts but the pandemic foiled the plan. For this year, my younger brother couldn't join us for the Holiday season as he's busy fulfilling the demands of his internship while I've pressing matters to focus on this December so we opted for the next more plausible solution, spend our November in Canada instead. 

Dress: Zara | Shoes: Christian Louboutin Pigalle | Watch: Rolex Oyster Perpetual | Earrings and bangle: Givenchy (gift from my Budabestie)

My Mom celebrated her birthday at Aria Restaurant in Sydney over a 10-course meal and their best wine while "big boy juice" in a wine glass for my 10yr old cousin who insisted to be served like the adults. My younger brother has been doing his internship in Dalby, Australia for a year now which means that we've only seen him 2x this year: when we spent 2wks over there and when he flew back to Manila last October for his 2wk birthday celebration too. He did a similar thing in the past, when our parents sent him on a year-long internship before he graduated from college but I still feel uneasy about it. I've grown up with all my family complete, with the addition of my 2 cousins and my  beloved paternal Grandmother, and now, our number is being reduced because of different reasons. My brother seems to be enjoying what he's doing that I've an inkling that he'll want to extend, indefinitely this time, then there's my cousin who's due for his year-long internship too this coming April. Of course, I'm a firm believer of progress so I am supportive of anyone's conviction to go for it but at the same time, I feel sentimental about it. 

Denim jumpsuit: Zara | Shoes: Air Jordan 1 | Bag: Givenchy Pandora 

And to wrap up my I'm-growing-older-and-so's-everyone-around-me post, it's quite curious how my most streamed artists on Spotify (not counting my other account which is solely dedicated to my favorite KPOP artist whom I apparently dedicated 330 days of just streaming him and his band haha) are Ed Sheeran and Imagine Dragons, specifically their albums Subtract and Mercury Acts 1&2. My favorite songs were Life Goes On and My Life respectively. Hmm. Perhaps I knew early on this year that things are changing. 

Top and pants: Uniqlo | Cardigan: from Australia | Shoes: New Balance 501 | Bag: Issey Miyake Bao Bao 

Hehehe I was in Tokyo so I had to try getting that Shibuya crossing photo. Still a fail! 

Oh well, my life is changing and about to enter a new phase. I'm anxious but I'm excited for it. At the end of it all, growth comes only to those who are willing to leave their comfort zones. It's difficult to leave mine because I will never run out of excuses on why I shouldn't but I know that I must do this and experience things that I would otherwise never experience, if I want to learn something new. Let's see. 2023 was SOOO good and fulfilling. Let's make 2024 an even more impactful year. 

Happy New Year, friends!

You're No Longer the Ingenue

 Wow it's almost the end of the year and I'm only on my 1st post for this year. I've been remiss, as usual, haven't I? Oh well, I guess I just really have to include updating this blog at least once every 2 months in my New Year Resolutions (I hope I can actually follow through though).

Turtleneck Heattech used as top: Uniqlo | Leatherette pants: Zara | Fur vest: Miss Selfridge | Boots: Ross department store | Bag: Goyard St. Louis

 

This year has been quite challenging. It started slow and uncertain, just like how the rest of my 2020/2021 had been. I didn't know if I could make any plans or commit to an activity, like say, enroll in French classes again because it will be very useful for my 2023 plans (fingers crossed that it'll push through given that I've delayed it more than enough already). And then some time after the 1st quarter, things started picking up, along with my immediate desire for a new environment, that I agreed to big changes to happen to me left and right. Ever the girl whose choices in life have been mostly passive albeit mixed with a couple of manipulative efforts in-between, I was thrown out of my usual elements that by the last couple of months of the year, I ended up having too much on my plate. 

And you know what happens when I don't know how to handle things anymore? Some things end up being sacrificed and the unfortunate part is, I don't get to choose which. Sure, I learn, at the end of it all. And I get to salvage whatever's left from the whirlwind that it had been, but I still lost something dear. An irreversible damage that I have to live with permanently. Oh well indeed.

These were taken last 31 Dec 2019 in Shanghai, China during my family's Holiday trip.  Yearly, my family (which includes the family of my 2 cousins and my Grandmothers) goes on 2 big trips: one during summer and another for the Holiday season. Non-airplane-requiring trips do not count, in my book at least. Because of the pandemic, this trip had been the last one that we've taken as a family, and with complete members. My paternal grandmother, the only person I listen to and seek advice from next to my parents, passed away in Sept 2022, 9 months after she was energetically climbing the Great Wall of China. Curse you, pandemic, you've taken too much from me. 

Dress: Gu | Shoes: Vans | Bag: Prada nylon 

This photo was taken last 29 Aug 2022 at Namsan Tower, Seoul, South Korea. It was the 2nd trip that I've gone on with only my Mom as my travel companion (the 1st one being the month prior this, and still in South Korea) and it was very memorable. I had a very specific purpose for traveling to South Korea successively, and I'll probably talk about it in my next posts, that the possibility of traveling alone didn't bother me. I was even prepared to do it. But of course to my parents who still don't see me as a fully independent adult, the idea of me traveling alone was not a possibility thus my ever supportive Mom ended up accompanying me to both my Jul and Aug SK adventures. 

The title that I used for this post is from Tick Tick Boom!'s 30/90. I've watched the Andrew Garfield-starring film more than 10x already and I still can't get enough of it. Perhaps it's because it was the only "new" musical that I've seen recently owing to the lockdowns and travel bans (but not anymore because my SK trips were because I wanted to watch A Song of Meissa musical repeatedly but again, I digress) that the songs and the story were just so refreshing to me. Or perhaps it's because it felt like the movie was the perfect representation of my life at that time. Too much dreams with equally daunting walls of reality, yup, story of my life. Ughh but not today, since I'm too lazy to wax poetic about my never-ending woes of 'what will I do with my life'. 

 I've always been the bringer of Christmas spirit in my family because Christmas is my favorite holiday of the year and when I'm excited, I make sure that everyone should also be but this year, I didn't have as much excitement as I typically do (haven't recovered it, to be precise, after my beloved Grandmother's passing). Just the same, it wouldn't be me if there were no celebrations at all. We had a simple one at home with my cousins, along with 50 others and a catered lunch because there's no room to dwell on one's issues when there are too many others to entertain HAHA, but I hope I'll retrieve my festive self soon. My 5 Christmas films/day should help, I suppose. Let's see!

Happy holidays, everyone!! Here's me in the happiest place on Earth taken last 1 Jan 2020.

This post really doesn't have an outline of what I want to say thus the change-of-topic midway through the paragraphs but I suppose it's still an acceptable update nonetheless. Will try to post a more cohesive one after this :)

Champagne Problems

I've never been into the science fiction genre. My knowledge on anything that remotely touches the subject is limited to what I deem interesting. Mostly, I don't understand it. But these days, I've been trying to follow the developments in the highly controversial technology known as CRISPR. 

Dress: Zara | Shoes: Manolo Blahnik Hangisi | Love bracelet: Cartier

In what I believe would be among my 5 favorite posts in this blog ever (read it again HERE), I agreed to Musk's question which roughly translates to "how come the brilliant minds who are supposed to ensure that advancements in science would progress seem to be missing?" Little did I know that in the works was an invention that would change the very foundation of life. CRISPR is a technology that is capable of editing our DNA. We all know that our DNA is responsible for everything that we are born with, meaning this is a result of supposedly uncontrolled combinations obtained from our biological parents. But with the existence of CRISPR, it is no longer comparable to winning a gene lottery because this technology works like a lotto ticket that ensures hitting the jackpot outright. Now imagine the implications. My brothers who have poor eyesight, which they inherited from my Mom, who inherited it from her Mom and so forth, wouldn't have to bother with this issue anymore thanks to CRISPR. Or consider those afflicted with genetic disorders, incompatible genes, and all other diseases that can be cured by altering the DNA including cancer and aids. I've watched plenty of documentaries about genetic diseases so somehow, I theoretically understand how difficult it is to be very limited by circumstances that we have no control over. I'm aware that I would not fully know the extent of the pain caused by diseases that I am fortunately not suffering from nor any of my close family and friends.

CRISPR can also make me taller. Instead of my diminutive height, I can be as tall as my 5"6' college best friend whom I've always encouraged to wear this and that only because I would've worn the same clothes had I been given her height (Hi Lina!). But what's stopping others from increasing their height alone when CRISPR can address specific issues at a molecular level? Instead of having good eye vision, why not get x-ray vision? Instead of curing bone diseases, why not make the person super-strong instead? I mean, with a few tweaks I'm sure that this isn't far from what this technology can do. So see, this is where the problem with CRISPR lies. It is now a question if the pros outweigh the cons. Once it's been out, a few creative minds would surely develop another use that may or may not be what the technology was initially intended for. History has proven this to be a regular occurrence. So who gets to make these decisions? Who should have the power to regulate it, to use it? The government, head doctors, or should it be democratized or be made available for everyone? Should it be handled by someone in a position that is so easily corruptible? 

with my parents

See how interesting and scary CRISPR is? It's scary because its implications are just supposed to be stuff of science fiction. I do believe that this technology is a big leap for mankind. Slowly, we are getting to the future that the only science fiction literature that I voluntarily read (school-required literature do not count) talk about: Isaac Asimov's The Last Question. It's just a short story, let's all give our brain a much-deserved break from the pop culture that it's subjected to daily. 

Anyway, let me round up this post by saying that the lockdown is frustrating. I've missed several trips abroad and local as well as life events meant to be celebrated with family and friends. It truly feels like my life has been put on hold for almost 2 years now. It frustrates me, especially since I'm only a couple of years away from leaving my twenties years. When someone said that the 20s are our selfish years, I fully embraced it. I did things according to what would benefit me the most (but nothing life-changing). I'm not sure if it's because I feel like I'm supposed to have more time to continue living with this mindset that for the first time that I can recall, I find myself bored. 

These photos were taken last January 2019 at Nobu Manila, during my birthday celebration with family. Let me share a funny anecdote and a somehow small achievement for me that night. This was the first birthday celebration that I had where I went and asked, "is it okay if I pay for our dinner tonight, Dad?" You can imagine how hearty his laugh was hahahahaha 

Lastly, the title is a Taylor Swift evermore song. I'll echo this author's wonderful question in this article (read it too and know why "Champagne Problems is one of the smartest songs I've heard in a long time").  

'I am cognizant of the fact that my problems not only look different than the problems of many other people in my county, state, country, but I also am aware that, truthfully, they do often pale in comparison to the problems that others have. How do I now reckon with my problems — that ones that do still exist — in the light of that knowledge?'