Those Storytellers

Woohooo another update here, and all within the same month! I wasn't intending to write another post today but then 2 of my favorite persons in this world, my close friends Debs and Tin, were excited after seeing that I updated this blog. I'm touched (and bored, honestly) so I figured another post would be good. I still can't say for certain if my uncharacteristic consistency for the past week will last but until then, let's see just how many topics I can exhaust in my attempt to compensate for my almost 2yr long absence. Today, let's talk about how original the plots of Japanese Anime are. I am so impressed by the creativity in their concepts. I especially love how well they marry traditional beliefs and modern circumstances. They're a superb bunch of storytellers, something that I can only ever aspire to be. 

Blazer and shorts set: from a local store in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia | Inner top: Topshop | Shoes: Adidas NMD | Bag: Goyard St Louis

Among my favorite animated movies is the Japanese film 'Your Name'. The protagonists, teenage boy Taki who's living in busy Tokyo and Mitsuha, the teenager who's tired of her slow rural life in fictional Itomori, were bound by an unexplainable yearning for someone whom they have no recollection of. They just feel an extreme loss for something that they feel they've lost although they have nothing to account for this feeling. At the beginning of the film, we see that they have been swapping bodies intermittently and without warning. Upon waking up, their memories of the day prior would seem distant, if not completely erased, just as how our dreams are usually forgotten once we've woken up. After regular occurrences of days when they couldn't recall what happened, they thought of a way to leave notes for each other to somehow have clues of what's happening to them. Soon, they have gotten to know snippets or two about each other which naturally raised their curiosity about the other. Mitsuha was the first to muster up courage to go see the other. She searched for Taki in Tokyo only to be disappointed because he didn't recognize her. They separated with Mitsuha's hair ribbon being left in the possession of Taki. The day came when Taki became aware that they've stopped swapping bodies and all the notes that Mitsuha has left in his phone have disappeared. This time, he mustered up the courage to travel to Itomori to look for her. 

But what Taki found in Itomori surprised both him and  me, of course. The town was completely wiped out, as a result of a comet that hit it 3yrs ago. The catastrophe killed all of the residents in the area, including Mitsuha. It turned out that time is non-linear, as many academics have hypothesized. The lives of Mitsuha and Taki were happening simultaneously, despite the 3yr difference in their timeline. Spoiler alert: they eventually had their happy ending. Taki drank the kuchikamizake, an alcoholic drink that includes human saliva among its ingredients, which was made by Mitsuha. This action connected the two once more and fortunately, through this, they have saved the town of Itomori from its supposed extinction. Yup, I know. I have downplayed much of the plots of the film but this is my abridged version based on how I understood it. To this day, I don't know how the swapping began. Was it because Mitsuha prayed to the gods? I just know that the red ribbon symbolized the invisible string that connected them to one another, irrespective of time and place. 

The film deals with various concepts that I am highly fascinated with including time, fate, and fleetingness of dreams and memories. The film was a brave attempt to explore all of these vague concepts that are individually, already difficult to comprehend, so as a whole, they're much more difficult to wrap one's mind around. I think that life has too many circumstances that cannot be explained by everyday pragmatism so when something offers us an alternative explanation, we are left wondering. Not that I don't believe that they are real. If anything, I think that when a concept offers a probable explanation, then it must be considered to be true until proven false. Anyway. I can't help but feel that somehow Taylor Swift has watched either this film or another Anime while writing her new song "Invisible String". The parallelism cannot be denied. And for that matter, my love for her new album cannot also be denied.

These photos were taken in the bustling and hustling Tokyo last May 2018. As can be seen in my several attempts to cross the busy Shibuya crossing, it is an almost impossible feat to leisurely have your photos taken of there. I am sorry to the people whom I inconvenienced with my sudden stops hahahaha This trip is among the best and most memorable travels I've been to. It's been filled with crazy antics, random dancing and singing in the public, and too much 'Oh no, why did we do that' troves of embarrassing materials that could last for years to come. It's also during this trip that I danced to the tune of Your Name's Nandemonaiya (the soundtrack of the film deserves accolades too) while in transit from Tokyo to Osaka. Crazy memories always make for the best stories. 

“What would you grab, if you had to pack up your life in only minutes?”

Let me precede this entry with saying that during these past months where we have been in quarantine due to the growing cases of covid-afflicted patients, I have done nothing but watch all the shows that I've always wanted to but couldn't because life has always gotten in the way. And then the nationwide quarantine came. I now have all the time in the world to just laze in front of the TV and absorb as much random information as I can from the shows that have fascinated me for years now. I'd like to believe that I'm a mentally stable person who just happens to be overly fascinated with crime scene investigations. I've been teased so many times by my brothers and a few close friends because sometimes, I can't stop my verbal vomit of how forensic science has conclusively solved a murder investigation. And it's true, my Netflix account is used primarily to watch the 20-minute episodes of Forensic Files. It makes me feel safe knowing that the technology of today is no longer as unreliable as it used to be. I'm relieved to know that a criminal, no matter how organized and attentive to detail he is, can no longer commit the so-called perfect crime. It is while watching this show that I encountered the story of an archbishop who turned out to be a Nazi sympathizer in his past. 

“Good people are good people; religion has nothing to do with it.”

Last Feb 2019, one of my closest friends and I embarked on a 3wk Eurotrip. Despite consistently having a European country in my bucketlist of countries to visit before I turn so and so, it's only been last year that I finally had the chance to go. Since most of the intellectual figures whom I heavily obsessed on at one point in my life came from Europe, I've always thought that there's something in the European waters that have either produced or inspired brilliance to spring forth. Not to mention that Europe as a whole seems to have an abundance of natural beauty. 

Dress: Calvin Klein | Boots: from a department store in US | Bag: Prada | Sunglasses: Ray-Ban | Heattech used as Inner top: Uniqlo | Earrings: borrowed from my friend Tatiana

In the first paragraph, I was referring to Valerian Trifa, who served as Archbishop of Detroit. He entered USA under the false pretenses that he was a Romanian victim of the Holocaust. He was granted the US citizenship and worked his way up the ranks in the Church. Other Romanian refugees who sought asylum in the US identified him as a member of the Iron Guard and was responsible for the death of hundreds of Jews in Romania, all in the service of the Fuhrer. Despite his initial denial of his past, he was eventually stripped off of his US citizenship and he was asked to leave the US after living there for more than 40yrs. Forensic scientists proved that the Archbishop's penmanship matched positively to the penmanship of the person whom he was accused of being. His official church documents were compared to the penmanship found on a postcard which was signed by a vacationing Iron Guard member in Germany, that was dated in the 1940s. Moreover, the same postcard bore his thumbprint (which was only identified in the 1980s because that's when technology finally caught up). He died at the age of 72yrs old, in a city in Portugal, the only country that accepted him after learning of his past. 

“It’s a little convenient, isn’t it, to say that the reason you did something horrible was because someone else told you to. That doesn’t make it any less wrong. No matter how many people are telling you to jump off a bridge, you always have the option to turn around and walk away.”

Perhaps the first time that I ever became aware of the existence of the US' Office of Special Investigations was when I read Jodi Picoult's The Storyteller in 2013 (all the quotes in this post, including the title that I've used are lifted from this but I will write my thoughts on the book extensively in a separate post). Imagine my interest in learning that so many of the SS officers fled to the US under false pretenses to escape the consequences of the horrible crime that they've committed during WWII. A lot of them have successfully escaped for various reasons but perhaps among the biggest was, their conviction heavily relied on the accounts of the survivors. I won't pretend that I know about physiological changes so I'm assuming that it would be difficult to assume how one person would look like when you add 30 - 40 yrs to his age. How difficult it must be to identify a 70yr old everyday guy to be the same person who tortured you decades ago. 

“Power isn't about doing something terrible to someone who's weaker than you, Reiner. It's having the strength to do something terrible, and choosing not to.”

I think that people like Trifa, or John Demjanjuk (the SS guard who also made a life in the US after his stint in the concentration camps but was later on tried in Israel for his war crimes), thought that they deserve a second chance. Maybe they thought that they were just pawns in the chess game. In the case of Trifa particularly, perhaps he thought that he can atone for his participation in the murder of hundreds of Jews by serving the Church in the latter part of his life. He was a Nazi sympathizer in his youth only to become a man of the Church in his adulthood. But the question is, are their crimes pardonable to begin with? What about the lives of the millions of those who suffered just because they happened to believe in a different Being?  Who can judge if the repentance of people like Trifa is enough to compensate for the millions of lives that they've disregarded? Can their form of repentance ever be enough?

“It's easy to say you will do what's right and shun what's wrong, but when you get close enough to any given situation, you realize that there is no black or white. There are gradations of gray.”

In light with everything that's happening worldwide, I just wish that humankind would learn from the past. Discrimination is rampant; it always has been. We've known that it's what caused the greatest atrocities committed against humanity yet we cannot fully reject it. How come people only know better after committing the crime? As an answer to whether the crimes committed during the Holocaust is pardonable or not, I personally agree that regardless of the age, those who have participated must not have the right to enjoy the remaining years of their life in freedom. There are some sins that cannot be forgiven. They might be 'mere pawns' as they have limited their role to be, but it was a role nonetheless. If there won't be any roles, then there wouldn't have been murders. It's a system that requires the thinkers or the heads and the hands or the pawns who would act on what the former has decided on. I think that punishing them is not a retribution because after all, the dead will not return to life, but rather, it's a message to all those who would dare commit such a crime again. It's a message that says, we will all be accountable for our own actions, no matter how big or how small we think them to be. At the end of the day, we get to choose the person who we are going to be. 

“There was no black or white. Someone who had been good her entire life could, in fact, do something evil. People were just as capable of committing murder, under the right circumstances, as any monster.”

These photos were taken in Ljubljana, Slovenia last 15 Feb 2019. (I couldn't imagine going on this trip with anyone else but you, Tats! Thank you for joining me despite the less than 2wks notice)

"How Foolish I was Ever To Have Thought of Them as Intellectual Giants"

"I'll admit I'm like him in a number of ways, but humility and self-effacement are not among them. I've learned how little they get a person in this world."

Truthfully, I haven't had the energy nor the drive to finish books after books these past months. Maybe I'm uninspired or I just happen to be in a reading rut. I still continuously buy plenty of books in the hopes that seeing what my money was exchanged for would motivate me to make every cent spent on them worth it but unfortunately, I've subconsciously piled them up in our mini-library of sorts and decided that their worth would be as decorations. Ughh I know, lame. So today, I would just talk about the last 5-star book I've read, which was all the way back to December 2017. Today's topic would be about Keyes' Flowers for Algernon.

Top and shoes: Zara | Skirt: Topshop | Belt: Rajo Laurel | Bag: Saint Laurent Downtown Cabas | Earrings: Mango

These photos were taken last 25 Feb 2018. My officemate's daughter celebrated her 7th birthday and you know about kids these days, they have better and more well-thought parties compared to when it was during my time in the mid-1990s. Now, all ideas are possible if only one can think about it. My officemate asked my help in planning the party since she knows that I LOVEEE planning events. I readily agreed to going here and there and being on call, with services for free so long as my ideas would be translated to reality. In short, I agreed provided that no budget would be spared. The party was arranged down to the last detail. We even had taste-test of the food that will be served (officemate and I did this during one lunch break). Even the birthday celebrant's outfit to be worn was given enough thought. It was designed by my officemate and I's favorite Filipino designer, Rajo Laurel. To add the "unicorn" vibe since it's the requested theme of the party, we bought Cassie (the birthday celebrant) faux fur from Zara. What? I love faux fur, remember? I would love it if everyone  would get to wear one even if it isn't for winter hahahahaha As for the actual venue, it was so nicely-done. There was an area for nail art, and there were kiosks of Potato Corner, Tater's, and Pinkberry yogurt. But oh well, I've not much photos to share because I was just too impressed by how a month of planning it all turned out to be SO SO SO FUN AND NICE that most of my documentation of it were in video format and not photos.

"There are a lot of people who will give money or materials, but very few who will give time and affection."

Back to the book. The book is an amalgamation of different novels, each chapter with a different lesson to impart. Much as I'd like to pinpoint a single scene that could best illustrate this book's wonder, I can't. Because it's more like a loaded machine gun that keeps firing one poignant theme after another. It opens a lot of discussions on the ethics behind experimenting on live subjects, how society views and treats those whom it deems not normal, and how mankind mistreats those who are mentally handicapped.

 It's about 32-yr old Charlie Gordon who was born with an IQ of only 68. He grew up estranged from his family and was simultaneously working in a bakery by day and a student in a special school by night. His desperate wish was to be smart because he strongly believed that he will be happy if he's smart and not dumb, as he accepted himself to be. "If your smart you can have lots of frends to talk to and you never get lonley by yourself all the time." Among the strongest points of the novel was having a 1st-person perspective of the thought-process of Charlie, as his thoughts were documented in his diary. It's refreshing and such an emotionally-invoking way to narrate a story.

“There are so many doors to open. I am impatient to begin."

Charlie Gordon had been selected by the professor-scientists from Beekman University to be the first human to be tested on a procedure that has only been tried on lab rats. A white mouse called Algernon underwent a surgery that would increase his IQ. Of all the rats who were similarly experimented on, Algernon showed the highest resiliency on the procedure. He had stayed smart the longest out of all the test subjects. Still boosted by the success of the experiment, the doctors, headed by Prof Nemur, performed the same surgery on Charlie. His desire to be smart had been so endearing and so well-founded and so strong that although he was not the first human-subject choice in the program, he had ultimately been selected. The experiment proved to be a success. Charlie's IQ of 68 rose to 185; from a retardate to a genius.

 “I don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you’ve always wanted to be, and feel alone.”

But what he so longed to have proved to not bring the happiness he thought he would have once he's smart. Slowly, he started comprehending things that he had greatly mistaken for something else before. Now that he's a genius, he realized that his "frends" at the bakery were not laughing with him but that they make fun of him and laugh at him all the time. Eventually, Charlie understood that his own mother sent him away because she was resentful and ashamed of his retardation. He thought that he could finally be with the woman whom he has always had a crush on now that he's smart. But then again, he soon realized that he was just as out-of-reach from the girl of his dreams when he was dumb just as he was smart. And finally, he has come to realize that the scientists who performed the surgery on him were not the "gods and heroes" he once thought of them to be. 

"They would always find excuses to slip away, afraid to reveal the narrowness of their knowledge. How different they seem to be now. And how foolish I was ever to have thought that professors were intellectual giants. They're people - and afraid the rest of the world will find out."

He soon realized that the Intellectual Giants he greatly revered before were also not sure of the long-term outcome of the surgery. Soon, Charlie's genius-level IQ separated him from others in the same way that his low IQ used to. Worse, now he knows what it's like to have knowledge of everything and see those whom he thought were better than him, suddenly appear clearly as normal persons who are just trying their best without knowing as much as he does. In the end he found out that Algernon, the only thing existing who knew exactly what he was undergoing through, was slowly mentally regressing. It has become a race against time as Charlie tried to solve the problem that caused the mental regression. He eventually wrote the study on both his and Algernon's mental states, with the study being his swan song before he finally returned to his original state.



"You know things. You see things. But you haven't developed understanding, or -I have to use the word- tolerance."

To summarize what Flowers for Algernon was about, it's a book  about humanity - its complexities, biases, surprises, and its innate cruelty masked sometimes by unfairness. The novel reveals the glaring truth that truly, there is both goodness and depravity in mankind.

I love one of the questions it posited - would it better to not know but be happy or to know but eventually lose it again? I have always preferred preservation rather than finding the solution to the already-present problem. I'd rather have calculated risks with small gains rather than great leaps of faith with uncertain outcome. Yes, it's true, I'm a very boring twenty-something girl. But in my defense, it's not an easy feat to go back to the way it was when you already know for a fact that it could be better.

 Read the novel. It comes highly recommended. 

"But I've learned that intelligence alone doesn't mean a damned thing. Here in your university, intelligence, education, knowledge have all become great idols. But I know now there's one thing you've all overlooked: intelligence and education that hasn't been tempered by human affection isn't worth a damn." 

"What I demand of myself, I cannot demand of everyone."

“I know that when a supersexy older girl with hips and breasts and nice hair wants to take off your glasses and to paint you a smoky eye she's merely trying to enroll you in a beauty contest she's already won. It's a kind of slummy, condescending gesture, like when rich people ask poor people where they summer. To me, this smacks of a blatant, insensitive "let them eat cake" type of chauvinism.” 

I have recently read 2 brilliant novels, both of which I have rated with 4 out of 5 stars in Goodreads (by recently, I meant that I finished these 1st week of May). They hit the kind of humor that I strongly albeit secretly subscribe to: insensitive and unapologetic. Just kidding, the books were just really funny. And they’re both my first from each authors.

Jacket with wool lining: Abercrombie & Fitch | Inner top: Zara | Pants and bonnet: Uniqlo | Boots: from department store in US | Sunnies: Oakley | Bag: Balenciaga City | Scarf: H&M

"It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities."

I have read a few of Palahniuk’s quotes while browsing Pinterest. I’ve pinned some of them without having read the book whence they came from just because they were downright offensively funny, just the uncustomary straight-in-your-face rebuttal that I find hilarious (trust me, I’ve recently learned that not everyone appreciates this kind of humor. Or was it just my delivery that made the entire supposedly humorous situation overly offensive? Hmmm). Anyway. For my first Palahniuk novel, I bought “Damned”, the book where the cover looks like an inebriated evilmonger. Certainly the book wasn’t a conflict-resolved case (I read that 2 more are coming after?) and that it was more of a thrill-along-the-way kind of read but just the same, I loved it!

"Few marriages sustain the high level of passion that exists between criminals and those who seek to bring them to justice. It’s no wonder the Zodiac Killer flirted so relentlessly with the police. Or that Jack the Ripper courted and baited detectives with his - or her - coy letters. We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired."

The premise was very simple: a chubby well-bred, well-groomed, well off 13-year old girl died and went to Hell. While there, she became overlord, besting out the likes of Hitler as she stayed longer. Instead of resenting the toxic place that was Hell, she started embracing it. Here comes the bummer: whilst enjoying her growing power, she was told that there has been a mix-up, that she wasn’t supposed to be in Hell in the first place. Bla, bla, bla. It’s a formulaic plot and the plot itself didn’t astound me. What made me decide to file it under the rest of my beloved 4-star books is that, I found it refreshing and amusing to read a novel that showcased a different type of humor. Yes yes, I quite agree that senseless, idiotic, and stupid jokes are funny. I even share them on an every hour basis with my colleague at work. I also agree that some smart jokes are funny too (of course I’m not discounting the fact that perhaps I only consider “some” and not “all” to be funny because I mostly do not understand smart jokes). And have you read my favorite book, Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray? That’s a treasure trove of funny insults. 

Aside from its humor, I liked how the book made its stand on religion:

“All the demons of Hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. As each subsequent civilization became a dominant power, among its first acts was to depose and demonize whoever the previous culture had worshipped."

It makes sense, doesn't it? I have long been trying to find logic and sense in religion until I've decided that I can classify it among those things under "To Each His Own". Believe in what works for you just as have respect for what works for others.

"It is an old refrain — everybody agrees that the rats must be exterminated, but when it comes down to it, sympathy for the individual rat is huge. Only sympathy, mind you; there is no desire to keep the rat. The two must not be confused."

The 2nd book that I couldn't help myself from gushing about and sharing with everyone I know who reads, is Timur Vermes' Look Who's Back. Every now and then, I never failed in mentioning that among the stories that greatly interest me is those which happened during the Regime of the Nazis. But, it's not because I share the same ideology. My beliefs are far from it, in fact. It's just because the atrocities committed then, all in the name of upholding a racial belief, has always evoked the most melancholic thoughts from me. There's no logic that can be found in the most heinous crime ever committed against humanity. Hitler, by means of command-responsibility, is single-handedly the worst creature that was ever blessed with a brain. These are my quick two-cents about the historical Hitler.

"An idiot who does idiotic things is not funny."

"Well, I was certainly planning to demonstrate my importance, but it was doubtful whether they would be able to handle it."

Now, on to my thoughts on the literary Hitler. I came across the book one afternoon when I was supposed to meet up with my college best friend. I arrived 30mins earlier than agreed upon so I went straight to Fully Booked. I saw the book, bought it, and showed up to the meeting place 23 minutes late. Well, what can I do, the book was surprisingly humorous. Tasteless, sure (if only because any attempt to downplay Hitler's crimes are considered as such). But it's certainly fun. Very briefly, the book is about Hitler who has woken up from his suicide in 1945 only to be met with the changes in 2011. With his rancour and wit in check, he rose to fame as a social media sensation. This book, just like Damned, is not a book with a destination in mind. It's a book that's meant to thrill its readers along the way.

The Hitler in this novel is witty, insightful, definitely not "the half-breed of indeterminate lineage", and quite possibly "the choice of Fate herself". If anything, I'd say that this novel could be the humorous novel counterpart of Machiavelli's The Prince. Or fine, it could be the lighter brother of historical Hitler's Mein Kampf. In short, I was highly entertained with the Hitler in this novel. I can even go and say, I share plenty of similar beliefs with this literary Hitler. 

"I am the ambassador for uncompromising opinions."

The book was well-researched too. Its nuggets of historical accuracies added to the few facts that I know of about the Holocaust. I never bothered knowing about Goebbels, Himmler, Goring, Bormann, and all those other SS officials. It doesn't matter if the Holocaust began because of Hitler's desire to purify the German race and was only blown out of proportions because of the likes of Himmler. It doesn't matter if in the future, evidences could prove that Hitler's role in it was only in planting the seed of idea and that his officials were the ones who interpreted and acted on this idea thus commanding the genocide. None of these would matter because as literary Hitler said, "the Fuhrer's unique talent is not the accumulation of dry facts - his unique talent is rapid decision-making, and assuming responsibility for those decisions". I guess it's because rarely do people assume accountability for their rash decisions that when I see someone do it, I end up admiring him. 

"I liked that. No prevaricating, no excuses, just an unswerving acknowledgement of one's errors, and a promise to make amends for these autonomously."

"And to all you romantics and gullible souls, who imagine that these devious parasites possess an extraordinary astuteness to match their allegedly superior intelligence - well, I'm afraid I have to disappoint you."

All photos were taken last December 2016 when the family went to Washington DC. All quotes were lifted from the 2 books that were discussed. 

A New Set of Eyes

I want to travel. I mean, who doesn't? If I were to chart where my salary goes to, I would probably say that a good portion of it goes to travel. I would happily burn my cash if it's for travel. Besides I always learn something new, not necessarily a good thing (fine mostly, I discover even more negative aspects), about myself in each new place that I stay in for a couple of days. Well anyway. There are plenty of countries that I'd want to visit. Probably once would be enough. I just have to see them for myself. And then there are those which I would want to repeatedly go to just because they've slowly felt like home. Such has been the case with Hong Kong. 

Sweater top: Ralph Lauren | Pants: Old Navy | Cardigan and flats: H&M | Bag: Michael Kors | Sunnies: Oakley

In 2016 alone, I went to Hong Kong thrice. In each time, I've went to a different place that I haven't been to previously. This set of photos were taken in February 2016 at Tai O Fishing Village, located in Lantau Island. 

Disclaimer: This is purely a word vomit blog. I can't write a good travel post to save my life so I apologize in advance if this won't be in any way helpful to whoever will chance upon this post, in hopes of reading reviews about Tai O. In my case, that's what I normally do when preparing the itinerary. I read reviews found online first to gauge if the destination would be worth the trip. Especially if it'll take hours just to reach the destination. Another disclaimer: it was my friend who wrote our itinerary at that time so it was really her who researched about Tai O.

Prior to this trip, I've been going to HK for just a quick breather. Granted that I love going to cold places, I mostly used to go to HK only during the month of December, when the temperature is around 15 - 20C. A quick 3-day trip used to be enough for me to enjoy the cool climate and eat a good roast goose or duck. And go to Disneyland, of course. And to some other tourist-filled place. Yup, I've never set food outside of the usual HK-tour that my conservative parents highly approve of! So in a way, this trip to Tai O has been a good start to discover more of my beloved HK. Of course, we still had goose. As a matter of fact, we didn't have just any goose; we patiently waited until a table clears out so we could have roast goose in the Michelin-starred restaurant Yat Lok. 

I am at a point where I'm stuck at my comfort zone that's why I feel like I'm not going anywhere. So to divert the direction where I'm headed to, a big change has to step in. Where does one get the courage to act on what she thinks would work despite all evidences at hand that contradict her conviction? How does one keep her one foot in the safe side while the other wants to jump into the Great Perhaps? I used to think I'm good at making calculated risks but now, I'm seriously considering doing something different with nothing but gut feel to rely on.